4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
twitter is a journey
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.