My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
You Might Also Like
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
White parent Vs Arab parents
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Very problematic
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape