if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
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OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.