8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
giddy up Office Depot
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.