i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
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Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years