Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
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Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
there’s probably a fee though
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent