Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
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Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
*pronounces patio like ratio
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I’m tired tomorrow.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist