Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.