I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
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We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…