Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
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If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”