After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Succinctly put.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.