me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
You Might Also Like
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
shampoo implies shampee
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?