My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Extremely relatable.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito