For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE