My dad teaching me to drive
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*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf