can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
You Might Also Like
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Born to be mild.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Human are so complicated
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’d hang this in my house.
thank god
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”