And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I get distracted pretty eas
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
this is funnier than any friends episode
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.