[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
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This trial is so absurd 😭
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
he chose this
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you