WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
You Might Also Like
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.