Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You Might Also Like
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf