I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Oops
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.