marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Note to self: always read the final line
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.