[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
This kid is going places
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it