last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
A bold strategy
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter