4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
This came to me in a dream.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
whatcha thinkin bout
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.