There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
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Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”