Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
This did not end as expected.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.