My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
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i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.