*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
#TopTip
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.