I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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All is fair in drunk and war.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Found my door mat
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed