I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
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well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I have so many questions.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
we’re gonna need another temp
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.