Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Hmm, not sure about this change
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.