If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Pikachu found the lost joint
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.