Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I mean…but I did
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.