me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
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Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.