Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit