When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
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[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
dude it’s called proctologist
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.