I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I hope they boil the right one.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.