[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
You Might Also Like
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to