me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.