Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
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a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.