This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
ugh not again
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies