You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
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My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.