Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Banking tips
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks