The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
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“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.