Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
You Might Also Like
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?