Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.