*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
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The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.