What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway