noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
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Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’